With the whole Michael Vick scandal there has been a lot of discussion and criticism that dog fighting is not in fact a sport. Which is really a shame. Because what a sweet sport it would be. To watch some evenly matched dogs, preferably with nick-names, brutally go at it in a battle to see who the last one standing on all fours would be—well, frankly, that would be awesome. I would definitely pay to view that.
But, the thing is, thus far dog-fighters have really screwed the pooch. There’s a reason more people aren’t watching. A reason dog-fighting isn’t more popular. Even illegal. No one just wants to see two pit-bulls square off, I mean maybe as a main event, but dog-fighters need to get a little more creative. They need to set up an undercard of a Chihuahua fighting a Pomeranian. Or a pug versus a Jack Russell Terrier. How about a beloved begrudge match between a Golden Retriever and a Black Lab. Who wouldn’t want to watch that? Bulldog vs. Boxer. Maltese vs. Whippet. Beagle vs. Dachsund. There’s a lot of untapped potential in dog-fighting.
But that’s not it. How about a Horse versus a Zebra? If we’re going to get into this animal-fighting thing, then let’s really make it interesting. Hippo against Rhino. Antelope against Gazelle. Buffalo against Moose. There are all sorts of options. We could have the animals indigenous to one continent square off against the animals of another continent. How cool would it be to watch a Panda fight a Koala? We could also have zoo animals fight their counterpart in nature. Caged lion vs. Wild lion. Take your pick. We could have animals from the forest fight an animal from the tundra. Gorilla vs. Polar Bear. I’ve got the Bear as a 3:1 favorite, any takers?
People are so quick to judge that they never see the possibilities. Michael Vick should not be condemned as a prisoner; he should be celebrated as a pioneer. With the four major human sports growing so stale, why not expand the sporting world to the animal kingdom? Let’s really have a rumble in the jungle. Like a Bengal Tiger vs. a Sloth Bear. You know, Baloo vs. Shere Khan. How about two Bison versus an Elephant? Check this, a Shark takes on an Orca in an unprecedented underwater event.
But it’s so cruel to the animals. How could you even think to propose something of such unspeakable horror? You’re right. It’s not like any of these animals would actually ever kill each other in nature. They all get along so peachy keen that it would just be terrible to set them up in a battle to the death, and then let the winner and their respective tribe eat the loser’s remains.
But to set it up for people to watch. How exploitative of these animals. You’re right. I’ve searched long and hard on my television for the opportunity to watch one animal kill another in beautiful high definition photography but have never been able to find such a sight on any channel. If only there was some network that would show one animal hunting and killing another animal for people’s entertainment. Then I’d definitely have a stronger case for broadcasting these fights to the masses.
But these animals are given no choice. They are being forced into these terrible demonstrations. You’re right. All other animals do have complete free-will. That’s why so many choose to be caged for families to walk by, stare at, and take pictures of. They thought it out long and hard and elected to live their lives in an 8 by 8 cell painted and decorated to resemble their natural habitat. It’s also why so many animals made the decision to be domesticated and contained to homes where they get to go outside two to three times a day to shit and stare out of a window until they fall asleep.
Just look at the Michael Vick case though, these animals are reprehensibly mistreated. They are starved, electrocuted, hung, you name it. Well, yeah, but what about the ones that win? I’m sure they’re given a breakfast, lunch, and dinner of champions. I’m sure they get pet all the time. Everyone’s loves a winner. They probably have no problem living on the property. Since when were we a country that cared about what happens to the losers? I say throw them to the wolves. If, of course, a Wolf were to defeat a Crocodile in a scheduled 10 round Madison Square Garden main event.
What I’m suggesting is a more humane way to treat animal fighting. Instead of forcing it underground, why not bring it out into the open? That way all the gruesome side effects of animal fighting can be regulated. Instead of having to drown a dog, or leopard, or aardvark, why not just be able to feed it to its victorious counterpart’s pack, or pride, or whatever it is that aardvarks roll as?
Dog-fighting is only scratching the surface. There is a whole world of illegal animal-fighting that we must be able to capitalize on. There is money to be made here people. Lots of it. And the best thing is we wouldn’t need to risk the career of one star athlete to bankroll it. We could let the fans decide what they want to see. What they’re willing to pay for. Who they want to bet on.
If animal-fighting were treated with the same amount of respect as our “acceptable” sports like bass-fishing, big-game hunting, bull-fighting, horse-racing, dog-racing, and boxing then there would be a huge opportunity to not only turn a profit, but entertain. Not to mention, Michael Vick, a world-class athlete, would still be allowed to play football and be awesome. Instead though he’s just going to have to sit and waste away in prison, like an animal in a cage.
