I am writing this illegally. All the humor that is to follow, all guffaws, chuckles, knee-slaps, uproars, and got ‘ems should be marked with an asterisk. All enjoyment, entertainment, excitement, and erections received from reading this should be regarded with suspicion. All subsequent re-reads, recommendations to friends, and after-thoughts should be stripped from the record. You see, I am writing this with the aid of drugs.
That’s right. I used steroids before I wrote this. That’s the reason this is so damn funny. Without the steroids pumping through my system this would probably read as dry as a menopausal desert. This piece only works because of the sweet sweet steroids flowing through my veins, into my brain, and out through my fingers.
I know what you’re thinking. How could you do this to us Gavin? We trusted you. We suspended our disbelief that you had created this glorious piece of writing with your own un-aided brain. Your brain cooked it up, your fingers typed it, and now we are reading it, and laughing at the very notion that your un-aided brain could have cooked something like this up. Now all of a sudden, you’re telling us that you cheated? That you actually had the nerve to use illegal drugs before you wrote this?
Yes. It’s sad, but true. I’ve been abusing steroids to help me write better since I came down with writer’s block several months ago. You see, up until then, writing just came so naturally to me. It just flowed out of me. Ideas, jokes, book reports, you name it. All I had to do was sit down in front of a blank screen, and the words would just come to me. But then all that changed.
It happened so sudden. The switch that had always remained on in my brain was suddenly switched off. Click. Just like that. I could no longer write. I was blocked up, unable to think of a single creative thought. And what was I to do? I was really banking on the writing thing. I had said I wanted to be a writer since third grade, I was an English major at college, all the jobs I was pursuing were for writer positions. How could I let anyone know that I could no longer write? I had no choice. I had to turn to the roids.
So I started shooting myself up. Right in the temple. I would pop the needle in and insert 30 CCs a day. Then, just sit down and write. And the results were amazing. I was funnier than I had ever been. I was more prolific than I had ever imagined. My vocabulary expanded exponentially.
I wasn’t even just writing semi-witty humor pieces anymore. Oh no. I was writing political treatises, ground-breaking investigative features, and instructional manuals for things I didn’t even know I knew how to use. I wrote a whole guidebook on Estonia, and I’ve never even been to Latin America. It was absolutely amazing.
But I had to come clean. I couldn’t do it to you, my readers (Grandma, grandpa, anyone else on g-chat) anymore. Here you were, thinking I was the greatest thing since sliced cheese, when in fact I was just a fraud. These great things you are reading on geelastic.com, these venerable writings, they aren’t real. They’re fake. Doctored. Beyond the capacity of the mere human brain.
A wise anonymous man once said, if it’s too good to be true, it probably is. That can be said for my writing over the past several months. There’s a reason it’s been so damn funny, so sensational, so unbelievably impressive–it’s the steroids. But, no longer people! No longer. From this day on I swear them off. From now on, I’m writing, just me.
And I know the quality will suffer. I know that every new post will no longer be a masterpiece. But, you know what? From now on I will update geelastic once a week every week. I guarantee it. And I don’t guarantee that it will still always be hilarious, that it will still always be superior to anything else written on the world wide web, that it will still be the best weblog that cyberspace has to offer, but I can guarantee that it will be me, and it will be there once a week every week. (Tuesdays) My thoughts, my jokes, my ideas. (Not like what I did today or that kind of crap, but you know, these witty shitty little things that I like to write)
So, people, please accept my apologies that geelastic will no longer be as consistently great as it has proven over this first three weeks. I know, it’s hard to imagine. But please stick with me and come back once a week every week to read whatever new thing I’ve written. And make sure to spread the word to anyone you know who likes to read wit-shit, or shit-wit, (which do we like more?) to come to the site as well. Put a link in your facebook or whatever. C’mon people, some readers would be awesome. After all, it’s only getting worse from here.
