I just want to say that I am one hundred percent against any attack on Iran. I love pistachios way too much. And anyone who loves pistachios should oppose any military action in Iran. Because Iran produces over 230,000 tons of pistachios a year, more than half the world’s total production. So if we just go in with guns blazing who knows what will happen to that most precious of green nut? We might have to settle for the un-salted California kind.
I’m also against an attack on Iran because I love carpets. And there are no finer carpets than Persian ones. Which are produced in, you guessed it, Iran. So I don’t want us just stomping into the country with our boots still on and sullying it all up. I can only imagine how much dust you need to beat out of a rug after a bomb explodes near by. I don’t think a dirt devil will do the job.
I also don’t think we should attack Iran because we could ruin the ruins of Persepolis. And they are some beautiful ruins. A major tourist attraction. They date all the way back to 560 BCE. That’s way older than Chicago. The ruins include The Gate of All Nations, Apadana Palace, and the Throne Hall. We wouldn’t want to risk bombing them back into the Stone Age.
And I’m not some band-wagon hopping Monday morning general either. I didn’t think we should ever have attacked Iraq. Because I was worried from the beginning that we would leave the Fertile Crescent completely impotent. Isn’t it ironic that Mesopotamia, the birthplace of humanity, is now the biggest mass grave? I liked the Crescent when it was the cradle of civilization, not its final resting place.
I was also against attacking Iraq because it was where writing began. And something inside me balked at the idea of blowing up the origins of the written word. Just wiping the country of cuneiform completely off the global blackboard. Fronting like Sumerian need not exist no more. Where would this blog be now if not for the nation of Iraq? Probably nothing more than little drawings of sperm-drops all over celebrities’ faces.
Also, I didn’t think it was a good idea to attack Iraq because they have a whole bunch of oil. Which I always thought was sort of valuable. And obliterating the infrastructure in a country that has a whole lot of something valuable just didn’t seem like a good idea to me. Though I do see the argument for really pissing them off and forcing them to resent us. Definitely should drive the prices down.
You see, all these lovely little things about Iran and Iraq is why I always, always supported the idea of attacking Yemen. It just makes so much more sense. That way we’d still get to take our aggression out on the Middle East and not really lose all that much in the process. What the hell has Yemen done for anyone since the Suez Canal closed shop in 1967? The answer: Nothing. Not a thing. It’s one of the poorest countries in the Arab world, a leading breeder of malarial mosquitoes, and the only country in the world that begins with a Y. How obnoxious is that?
Not to mention it’s got an extensive population of wandering Bedouins. So who really cares if we displace them from their homes? It’s not like they’re going to miss their tents. They’ll just have to take their tea parties elsewhere. And, of course, camels are one of those rare species of animals that can survive a full-scale fire-bombing. So we don’t even need to worry about killing their live-stock.
Plus, they’re all a bunch of Khat-heads anyway. That’s right. In case you didn’t know, Khat is a plant chock full of caffeine that you can chew on as a high-grade stimulant. Sort of like a leafy cocaine. It’s illegal in most countries, including the U.S., and is considered an extremely addictive narcotic. And you know where it originated and remains most popular? You guessed it—Yemen. It’s actually the most widely cultivated crop in the country; despite the fact that it consumes an inordinate amount of water and is considered to lessen the productivity of people who consume it. Just great for a desert nation. What a bunch of wasters.
Now I’m not so green behind the ears I’d ever believe that we don’t need to do some bombing. When it comes to bombs I’ve always been the first to say if you’ve got ‘em, drop ‘em. We all need to attack every now and again. I just think we need to pick our targets more strategically. We don’t want to destroy bumper crops, historical blocks, national treasures, natural resources, or finely woven carpets. We just want to blow something up. And I say instead of ridding the world of a few hundred thousand pistachio nuts, why not just rid it of some wandering speed-freaks who are wasting water and have monopolized the letter Y?
