Okay, I just need to know, are we in a recession or not? Will someone please tell me? Because, I can deal with a struggling economy, I can deal with poor economic projections, a declining dollar, banks going bankrupt, hedge funds being hedged in, slipping on the stock market floor, junk bonds. I can deal with a sub-prime mortgage crisis. But, I can not deal with the lack of a rhetorical term for such a situation.
It just won’t feel real until it has a name. I only want to wake up in the morning and know that we are in a recession. That’s all I ask for. I want to be able to go to the store, buy my Snapple and Andy Capp hot-fries, and know that I’m doing so in the midst of a recession. I want to rest my head at night comfortable in the knowledge that I survived another day of the recession.
Because, I am flat out bored by all of the split screen, talking head he said he said. I’m bored of the declarations and the subsequent denials. I’m bored of the uncertainty. I’m bored of the cross fire. I’m bored of the whole damn thing.
Which is why I just want the pundits to agree that we are in a recession, so they can get on to the far more exciting debate to watch; Whether we are in a depression or not. Which would be great TV. And all those same pundits can re-group and re-take their re-speculative sides for another inspiring, informative back and forth. “Yes we are in a depression.” “No we’re not in a depression.” I can barely wait.
And then, let’s say we do slip into a depression (here’s hoping). Then we can start the next phase of progressive point-counterpoint with the All Hope’s Lost camp taking on There is a Glimmer of Hope clan. And all the pundits can re-group and re-take their re-speculative sides. “There is not one ounce of hope.” “No, I believe there may actually be some hope.”
Then if all hope is actually lost we can start the debate of what to do about it. We Should All Commit Mass Suicide vs. We Should Go to War and Commit Mass Genocide. And all the pundits can re-group and re-take their re-speculative sides. “Suicide is the only safe way to go.” “No, Genocide is a far better approach to stimulating the economy.” “But, suicide will regenerate the housing market.” “Yes, but I think the people would really get behind Genocide.”
Now that’s some exciting debate. That is Tit for Tat with some capital Ts. That is what we need to spice up our nightly news. Enough of this discussion of mere recession, let’s really get into it. Let’s get drastic.
That is why we need those that do the declaring to declare this “economic crisis” a recession already. So we can get the ball rolling. Right now we are simply stagnate as a nation. We have just ground to a halt. We’re not going forward, but we’re not really going backward either. We are just waiting to see.
But we are not a nation of waiters. We are a nation of actors. So let’s just call this thing something and start freaking out, because I for one can’t wait to do so any longer. I want to go public with my fear and anxiety. I want it to be palpable. I want it to define the era. I want to live during the Mild Recession. And I want my news to reflect that.
