In 1729 Irish satirist Jonathan Swift penned A Modest Proposal For Preventing the Children in Ireland From Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Public. His solution was to eat them. Which, looking back with the added illumination of historical context is not really that ridiculous.
What was ridiculous was that Swift gave the children no choice. They had no other option than being cooked and consumed; to simply be born was a death sentence. This was not fair. This was not even modest. And therefore, this was obviously satire. Swift’s whole essay was a joke, a whimsy, a far-fetched mockery of a very serious situation.
Which is why, nearly 300 years later, I have used his ridiculous blue-print to build a very real solution to a very real problem. What I propose is not only truly modest, but truly modern: A Moderate Proposal For Preventing the Children in America From Being Fat, And a Burden to Our Economy and Appearance.
You see, what we have an abundance of in this country now is not poor children, like Swift, but obese children like all the ones you see sitting on the side of the playground or the side-lines of soccer games sucking on popsicles and struggling to breathe without waking the neighbors, that you can’t help but cluck your tongues at. And, what we will also have, and are beginning to show serious and increased signs of, just pick up a paper or check the price on a pound of grain or a pint of beer for confirmation, is a soon-to-be severe shortage of food.
So, the solution is quite simple: Let us eat all these fat kids. Because, unlike the Swiftian scions who had no choice in their consumption, it’s these fat kids’ own faults. No one made them ingest incalculable quantaties of concentrated sugars and chocolate-covered chocolate cake chunks, they complained until they got more, and then chowed down. They’re like little tornadoes of too much, taking whatever they can and throwing away the rest.
Swift’s poor kids were condemned to be shoved down people’s throats, while our poor kids and rich kids just can’t stop stuffing their faces. Our spoiled kids are given the option of a normal, healthy, active, alive childhood, but they instead choose to eat. And eat. And sit around. And eat some more. Like force-fed pigs who ask for seconds they plump themselves up, with candy and calories and dollar menu delicacies until they can hardly stand, and are forced to slump against over-sized arm-chairs and plush corduroy couches. What kind of a life is that? Certainly not one worth living.
Which is why we should not let them live it. When every child hits a certain age, let us say 11, because they are rational enough at that point to choose laziness over liveliness, there should be a mandatory nation-wide weigh-in. And all children who tip the scale at a chronically obese level should be slaughtered and their succulent meat should be shared with those less fortunate, and less fat.
Not only will we rid our population of these pudgy drains on our dwindling food chain–we will have more food and less fatsos to tear through it–these chubby children will also make excellent eats. Think of the poor populous of Swift’s Ireland who would have had to pick whatever little bits of meat they could find off the bodies of their bony children, while we will be in a position to have it just slide off every massive flank of our marinated youth. I smack my lips in anticipation at the tempting thought of a two-hundred pound third-grader.
For not only are these corpulent children diminishing and digesting our shrinking food supply, but they are affecting our appearance and attractiveness to the rest of the world as well. The rest of the planet looks on these porcine pre-teens and frowns at the disgusting diet and unappeasable appetite of all Americans, and how round we allow our ungrateful glacier-like grade-schoolers to grow. We are seen as a nation of food-court fatties who can’t keep our mouth closed long enough to shut up. It is embarrassing and highly unflattering.
To that point, if we simply consume our own pillow-shaped children then we will no longer need to chew up and spit out the children of less fortunate developing nations. We will no longer need to import the poor, mangy, skinny children of the third of our weight world and can simply be satiated on the under-worked children we have right here in the United States. We can finally derive some form of profit from our own plump pre-pubescents.
And what should we do with the parents of these plus-sized delectables, who allow their progeny to expand to these epic proportions? What should their punishment be? Well, simply, they should not be allowed to indulge in their delicious culinary creations. While we all dine on the exquisite fare of their loins, they should be made to watch, drooling with dumb desire and unrequited enjoyment. We will eat their children in front of them, and they should have to watch and not be granted a single bite.
We will certainly not reward their failure to properly regulate the fulfillment of their offspring’s opulence or properly mitigate their mediocre metabolism by treating them to the fruits of their lax labor. No, those fresh-squeezed juices will be only for us to enjoy who are forced to observe those over-sized porkers every time we walk in to a normal-sized restaurant or super-sized market. Let the parents starve a little for failing to teach their little ones a similar lesson of what it’s like to not have enough to eat, or just enough and not a little extra.
Perhaps you think I am “kidding”, or, just cruel. But remember, our children are being offered a choice in their existence; Swift’s were not. If a child chooses not to practice gluttony and greed and gargantuan eating practices, and accepts to only eat their appropriate allotment, then they are free to live and grow at a normal rate. It is only the children without self-control and self-esteem that desire to grown exponentially that I say we should devour.
What is funny about global food inflation? The silent tsunami is upon us and we must decide right now whether we will sink or swim. To swim will require us to be healthy, nutritious, and well-fed, while if were to sink it would be because we allowed some heavy, squat anchors of under-aged bowling balls to drag us to the bottom of the sea. I say we cut ties with those pulling us down and all float on with the food they could provide.
We have tried everything else with these children. We’ve tried hypnotists, psychiatrists, dieticians, nutritionists, acupuncturists, personal trainers. We have tried special programs. We’ve even tried putting them in camps. But so far nothing has worked. These kids just don’t get the message. They just want to eat and eat and whine that they’re not eating enough, and I think it’s time to say enough is enough and eat them. At least it will shut them up.
I began this endeavor by alluding to the brilliant Jonathan Swift. Swift was a master of the art-form of satire. An art-form so delicate, so nuanced, so intricate I would never dare myself to approach it. No, unfortunately, a satirist I am not.
I am a mere pragmatist. I see an actual problem and I think of an actual solution. What can I say, it’s the way my brain is wired. And because of my pragmatism, I know that my solution to the food shortage crisis may seem extreme. It may seem “out there.” It may seem downright nuts. But, I urge you to think about it.
What are these fat kids doing for us? Any of us? They are a drain on our economy, a funnel on our food supply, and an eye-sore on our nation. Swift’s proposal came from a place of satire, intended to make the population of his time consider new approaches to a crisis; My proposal comes from a place of necessity, intended to make the population realize that something must be done. And fast.
