With everyone complaining about rising food costs, rising fuel costs, unemployment, the housing crisis, something about sub-prime credit, and just the economy in general, I’ve become a little confused. Do you all not know about five dollar foot-longs?
What a deal that is. All is not lost. There is still a cost-efficient, delicious way to go about living in these crunching times. Five. Five dollar. Five dollar foot-longs. What more could you possibly ask for? That’s a six-inch for lunch and a six-inch for dinner for only five dollars. What is everyone whining about?
A foot’s worth of processed meat, processed cheese, four unique styles of roll, and all the fixings your heart desires, for merely five dollars. Twelve inches of manufactured meat, artificially inseminated cheese, freshly-cooked bread, lettuce, onions, tomatoes, sweet peppers, yellow peppers, hot peppers, green peppers, spinach, cucumbers, carrots, and a vast array of condiments for five wrinkly singles. A third of a yard of specialty sandwiches including chicken teriyaki, meatball, cheese-steak, tuna-fish, and Italian BMT, loaded so large it’s nearly impossible to fold over for one fourth of a twenty dollar bill. What is there to bitch about?
You say recession, I say ingestion. Don’t worry about the commodities you can’t afford, concentrate on the ones you can. Let the pessimists worry about the cost of grain; you just worry about the cost of lunch. Which is now more affordable then ever. Five dollars for a foot-long, someone pinch me.
Not to mention that for only a dollar fifty more you get a soda and a bag of chips. That’s right. 6.49 for a full-length grinder, tall glass of cherry cola, and bag of harvest cheddar sun chips. Fuck you Euro.
In these trying financial times it is important not to think about where we can cut back, but where we can get the most back for our cut. Where can we find the deal? Where will I get the most value for my money? And for anyone who loves a hoagie—and if you don’t, what’s your problem—the answer clearly lies within the meaty fullness of the five-dollar foot-long.
So the next time someone bemoans to you the current state of our faltering economy, just remind them that relief can be found on about every third corner, and point them in the way of that bright yellow sign. Where a real hero waits.
