I don’t get it. Why doesn’t everyone read my website? Not like you, reading my website, like everyone. In the whole wide world. Or on the world wide web. Or, not in the third world and with access to a computer. Why don’t all those people go to geelastic.com?
What else have they got to do? Are they that satisfied with the same six sites they go to every day that they can’t take five minutes out to read what I have to say? Oh, I’d better check cnn.com for the fiftieth time today to see if anything’s changed in the right column. I don’t have time to read something new, much less original. I gotta check my Facebook.
Do they not have jobs or something? Because, I have to kill so much time on my computer at work, I’ll read anything. Twice. You tell me that there are new words on some page and I’ll read them like a Youtube video. Just so when I look at my clock it’s any closer to the end of the day. I’m not even looking for thoughtful consideration; I’m just offering to help mindless procrastination.
Honestly, what the hell is their problem? Are they really that busy? Do they already have their must-read “blogs” and adding one more would just tip the scales of what they’re able to comprehend in a given week? God forbid they got one more opinion, or heard one more joke, or were forced to take on one more take. Their precious heads might explode all over their qwerty keyboard. And how would they sign on to their favorite places then?
I mean seriously. Why don’t they just all go to my website already? It takes two minutes to read. I know because my sitemeter tells me. The average visit length is 1 minute and 29 seconds. If you don’t have that to give me, screw you. If you don’t have an extra minute and a half each week to have your mind blown, you blow. Put that on your RSS feed and eat it.
And I’m not saying it’s that good. I don’t want to come off as arrogant. Calm down, it’s just a website. I just think everyone in the world should read it. So we’d all have something in common. Something we all could share in together. It’s a beautiful thought. Everyone—black, white, rich, poor, republican, democrat, Dominican, Danish, or in Darfur—all reading my blog. Isn’t that a wonderful notion?
So much of the media nowadays is so slanted. So targeted to a specific audience. No one wants the news. They want the news they want. If you’re a conservative you go to this website. If you’re a liberal, well, then this one’s for you. If you’re a nerd you go to this site. If you’re cool, then this one’s up your alley. If you’re fat, here’s a site for fatsos. If you’re skinny, how about this one for regurgitators? Why doesn’t everyone just go to mine instead?
Do you see what I’m getting at? Everyone in the world should read Geelastic.com. It just makes so much sense. Whether it’s the best website in the entire world or not is still unsettled, but whether it should be the most popular is crystal clear. Of course. I just want to unite all of mankind in one common goal. Reading me.
I’m not looking for anything grandiose, just 6 billion unique clicks a day. It’s not for me, it’s for you. So you have something to talk about. So you have something to snicker at. So you have something to waste your time on. Trust me. You know how much money I make off my website. Negative 36 dollars and 99 cents. That’s right. I have to pay to have it. I’m paying so you people could have something to read. So, why not give it a glance?
I understand and I appreciate that there are countless “bloggers” out there looking, scratching, clawing, linking, typing, advertising for an audience. And I wish them the best. But they didn’t come up with the idea of world-wide readership. They failed to understand that the Democratic ideal promised by the creators of the Internet could finally be reached if we all agreed on one united site to browse. That was all me. I’m patenting that. I will be the first blog read by every man, woman, and child. Starting with you.
