With these tough economic times no one is really sure what exactly to do with their money. The commonly caricatured approach has been to stick it in a shoe-box and stow it under one’s bed-frame. But, the truth is, there’s absolutely no reason to squander one’s savings by placing it in the Bank of Reebok. If you’re willing to think outside the box, there are plenty of strong investment opportunities out there.
For example, right now there is a lot of money to be made in liquid. It’s all I hear about these days. Nothing about solidity, apparently stability is of no value in an economic crisis, and nothing about gaseousness, people have got bigger problems than stomach cramps; it’s all about the wet stuff. Everyone wants liquidity. Which is why I’m putting all my money in water. I’m just going to dump it all in the bath-tub and maybe by the time it dries out it will be worth something.
I’ve also been doing my research and reading up on this new product that there’s a ton of buzz about: they’re called Golden Parachutes. Apparently, when you jump out of a plane with one, it glimmers in the sun, and is really beautiful the whole way down. They’re becoming more and more popular at air shows and with sky-divers. And, I’ve even heard the military is thinking about purchasing a giant shipment of them for the Air Force and Navy Seals. But, that’s just between me and you.
Here’s another thing to invest in during times of recession: locks. My dad’s friend who has worked in sales at Ace for 25 years advised me on this. He told me, “When the economy struggles, the security sector soars.” Which makes sense–with vast unemployment, crime rates always goes up. And when all those broke and foreclosed have-nots storm the gates, the haves are going to want some protection. So I’d advise putting some money in dead-bolts.
Also, Senate seats are still going for a good price. I’d definitely try to buy one of those. As soon as they empty out, there’s a whole bunch of money to be made. If you play it smart.
But, really and truthfully, if you want to know where to put your money right now, I’ve got only one word for you: Bail. There is so much money in bail right now. It’s outstanding. 700 billion. 81 billion. 24 billion. Bail is the new currency of Wall Street. They got more bail then a hay-farm. They got more bail than a district court. They got more bail than Christian. Everyone is dealing in bail right now. Soon, I bet they’ll start buying each other’s bad bail. That’s what you’ll want to get in on.
Now, sure, that’s a solid list of investments I’ve provided you with. But don’t get overly cocky. Before you buy, buy, buy realize there’s also a lot of risky ventures out there too. It might seem like everything’s safe, but there’s plenty of danger and turmoil in the market these days as well. Which is why I’ve also comprised a list of not-so-strong investments to help you through these troubled times.
For starters, I do not recommend investing in bankers. Even if their job title is an investment banker, I’d stay away. I’m just not so sure they know what the hell is going on right now. I might let the dust settle a little before I start trusting them with my money. In fact, I wouldn’t even put my money in the bank. I would just stay away from that whole banking world right now.
Another thing I’m not so sure I’d invest in is the stock market. Just seems a little sketchy if you ask me. Some days it’s down, some days it’s up. Who can predict it? It’s sort of like taking your hard-earned savings, going to the nearest off-track betting counter, and laying it all down on tomorrow’s weather. Come on sunny, come on sunny. Shit, it’s raining.
Also, I would not advise investing in our children’s future. This crisis is happening now. We don’t have time to think about tomorrow. We got to act in our best interests for the present, and hope everything else will work out by the time those little drainage pipes grow up. You can invest all you want in 2019, I’ll worry about 2009.
Finally, I wouldn’t invest too much in yourself. I just wouldn’t get too invested in anything right now to tell you the truth. There’s nothing more dangerous than being fully invested. I think we all oughtta be a little more half-ass, laissez-faire about the whole thing. It’s just a recession. Let’s not make it into something worse than it really is.
And there you have it. A complete list, in these confusing times, of what to acquire and what to avoid. This financial crisis isn’t so complicated when you just break it down into simple terms. So go get that wad of money out of your sock and start spending. After all, this is the best time to buy.
