Never trust a blonde Republican. Put simply, they are the worst breed of person alive. Girl, guy, tall, short, happy, sad, moderate or conservative, if they got blonde hair, and they claim to be a Republican, you’re better off not listening to what they have to say. Notice I didn’t say debating what they have to say, I said not listening to what they have to say. That’s an important distinction. If they got blonde hair, and tell you they’re Republican, just ignore them.
Because, if they’re a guy Re-Re, and they have golden hair, then they’ve definitely got a silver tongue too. And they can’t be trusted. Guys with blonde hair aren’t just any good ol’ boys, they’re the good ol’ boys that won’t let the nerds have one measly frat or the good ol’ boys who own the ski lodge and try to close down the mountain to redevelop it as a shopping mall or exclusive country club. There’s nothing smarmier than a beach blonde bro with perfect teeth. And you know it.
And, if they’re a girl Re-Re, and they got golden hair, then they’re just some bitch looking for attention. They were sort of pretty in high school, and still sort of cute when they went off to college, but they never quite stood out. They were just one of many. So they needed something. Something different. Something special. Something to separate them from the masses of semi-attractive blondes. So, they went Republican, and they’ve never looked back.
Being a female blonde Republican is just a high-pitched scream for attention. It’s as alarmingly transparent as their flaxen locks. Look at me! I’m sort of pretty…a blonde….and…ready for it…you’re never going to believe this…Pro-Life! Isn’t that crazy? Now notice me! Please, take notice of my controversial opinions. Please! Someone! Notice me!
I couldn’t quite be the pretty girl, not pretty enough, and I couldn’t quite be the smart girl, not intelligent enough, so I’m the conservative girl. That’s how I’ll get the guys to appreciate me. Now I’ll be invited to their clubs, now I’ll get to sit in on their meetings, now my opinion will count. I just love this Republican thing. I’m going to ride it out and see how far it takes me.
And, get this; I’m not just going to be any Republican. I’m not merely going to check that square on the ballot box. I’m going to be the most extreme version of a Republican I can come up with in my twisted imagination. I’m going to say the most outrageous things, I’m going to spit the most venom, I’m going to say what everyone else isn’t just afraid to say but wouldn’t say because it’s stupid and absurd. And all the time I’ll have blonde hair. So it will be wild.
Then the world will take notice of me! The will have to. They will be forced to. I will not be just another semi-attractive blonde with decent tits; I will be that semi-attractive blonde with decent tits that everyone hates. I will be famous. I will stand out from the crowd. I will be someone. I will be the Face of Infuriation. And a semi-attractive one I might add.
Thank you God for bestowing on me my beautiful long leucous locks. And thank you media mainstream for rewarding extremism of any sort with copious amount of airtime. And thank you population that is so fascinated by a counterintuitive package and message that you’re willing to watch and buy what I’m so so convincingly trying to sell. And thank you me for coming up with this brilliant idea and being able to resist the half of my brain that I’ve been able to repress from calling my own bluff.
Oh, and while were at it, never believe a pair of blue eyes either. Whoever’s got those has definitely gotten too far on them already.
