In a highly-anticipated new bill Congress has finally granted American citizens the unmitigated right to arm bears. For years the constitutionality of such a measure has been debated in political spheres, with arguments from one side of the aisle vehemently in favor of irrational animal armament while others at the opposite end of the political spectrum urged more restrictions and control on wild beasts wielding guns, but finally the obvious intent of our forebears for bears prevailed and Congress approved the measure by a vote of 361-64, with an 81-19 vote in the Senate. President Obama is expected to sign the legislation into law as soon as next week.
“Today is a victory not only for bears, but for every man, woman, and child who believes in the power of the constitution of the United States of America,” said Steven Schiff, spokesman for the ACLU. “Nowhere in the constitution does it specify a particular species to be singled out to receive the full protection and rights that come with being an American citizen, and today’s decision affirms that the constitution is a document for all of God’s creatures.”
Similarly ecstatic about the ruling was Heather Field, a public relations director with PETA, “For years now we have been arguing that animals deserve the same ethical treatment as humans, and permission to pack heat is a tremendous step in that direction.”
Congressional laws can of course make strange bedfellows as the NRA was also quick to react favorably to the positive vote. “The more guns that are out there, the happier we are. Whether those guns be in the hands of bears, the flippers of penguins, or the fins of dolphins, we support the right of every living thing to enjoy the power of holding a sweet, shiny, silver gun and squeezing off a few rounds,” lauded Bill Bennett, proud member of the NRA since 1976.
Bears of course have been lobbying congress for some time now, but have only recently gained momentum for their cause with the passing of another bill by Congress allowing visitors to carry loaded and concealed weapons into all national parks. “If humans can come into our backyard brandishing a gun, we believe that it is only fair that we can as well. It is just the most recent bear necessity,” explained famous book author and bear advocate Baloo.
The only people who seemed to be against the new legislation was the AHSA or American Hunters and Shooters Association who released a statement as follows, “While the AHSA is in full support of all loosening of firearms legislation, we feel that providing weapons to our enemy in this war against innocent animals is not the best strategy for protecting the lives of guilty Americans. We urge the congress to reconsider arming the bear population.”
One sector that will certainly gain from the new bill is the firearm manufacturing industry which as of today’s announcement was immediately scrambling to design a gun that can be discharged by the massive paw of a full-grown bear. “The claws provide a unique challenge,” expounded Smith and Wesson employee Dave Slaughter, “But nothing our engineers can’t solve. Rest assured, we will have every papa, mama, and cub locked and loaded by month’s end.”
Dancing with joy the day was summed up best by another bear advocate Winnie, “We live in a nation where gun violence is constantly on the rise. The only obvious solution to this problem is to bring more guns into the equation. Today is a victory not only for bears, but for everyone. I can’t wait ‘til that Christopher Robin tries to steal my honey and call me a ‘silly old bear’ again. I’m a bust cap in his motherfuckin’ ass.”
This Week’s Trivia:
The Moon
1) Perhaps the most famous piece of music concerning the moon is this composer’s moonlight sonata. Though not the title the composer himself gave the piece it has commonly come to be the accepted title of the work after one famous critic of the time compared the work to the beauty of the moonlight on Lake Lucerne. What composer created the legendary moonlight sonata in 1801? (By the way: Ol’ Blue Eyes released an entire album of songs about the moon. Its tile: Moonlight Sinatra.)
2) You learn something new every day, and I learned that Neil Armstrong is still alive. I would’ve definitely put money on him being dead, but nope, the 79 year old Neil is happily retired in Ohio. Neil Armstrong of course made history as the first man to walk on the moon, and was taken there on which number Apollo spaceship?
3) According to urban dictionary shoot the moon can mean anything from drinking a large amount of alcohol and not having a hangover the next day to paying a prostitute to lick your asshole, but I always knew it as a term from this card game, meaning that you collected every card of a certain suit and the queen of spades. In what card-game is cleanest of moon shootings possible?
4) A short question 4. What is the widely accepted term for a full moon that is not timed to the regular monthly pattern?
5) It was on July 21, 1969 that man first set foot on the moon. Or was it. Since the initial moon-landing there have been numerous conspiracy theorists who believe the moon-landing was a complete hoax and actually filmed in the back-lot of a movie studio. According to many of these believers, and even the subject of an entire mockumentary, what film director, because of his expertise with the subject, was commissioned to film the fake moon-landing?
6) We end the category the only appropriate way, by saying Goodnight Moon. But before we tuck it away, answer us this one question: who wrote the iconic 1947 children’s bedtime story Goodnight Moon? (And we’ll give you a bonus point if you can name the artist.)
1) Beethoven
2) 11
3) Hearts
4) Blue Moon
5) Stanley Kubrick
6) Margaret Wise Brown (Clement Hurd)
