Ladies, I have the answer. So you need never ask us again. The question you pose every time you pose in front of your mirror has a simple two word rejoinder. That age old rhetorical inquiry you repeat ever single night has an easy solution. That timeless argument you have with yourself every time you throw open your closet doors should cause you no more stress. A dress. That is what you should wear tonight. That is what you should wear always. There is nothing else to consider, but your accessories.
Women look great in dresses. Every guy will agree and most girls know this. Yet you want to make more work for yourselves. It can’t be this easy. All I have to do is wear a dress? Yes. And I’ll look great? Yes. But what about this new blouse I got. No. These pants I just purchased? Absolutely not. How about a skirt? Well, okay. But only because it’s half a dress.
If you want to look your best, wear a dress. It’s as simple as that. They’ve done it. Tailors and designers and stylistas and fashionistas and baristas and Buena vistas have invented the ultimate uniform for the female form. They’ve figured out the best way to dress a woman. And it’s with a dress. That’s why women have been wearing them since the invention of wearing things. Cro-Magnon couture.
Trust me. My friend Paul, your friend Paul, Paul’s friend Paul, Paul Wall, The Apostle Paul, any lesbian Paula, Paul Sorvino, and Pol Pot all agree. Girls look great in dresses. Peter and Paul loved when Mary would wear one. Because she would look great.
I curse the cutely-dressed Fates that I should be so unlucky to not have the option of wearing a dress. Publicly. I would wear one every night, every day, every morning, tomorrow, and twice on Sunday. I would wear more dresses than any mannequin should. You know why? Because I would look great.
Because everyone looks great in dresses. Big girls, small girls, skinny girls, tall girls, short girls, guys girls, girly girls, mean girls, nice girls, bad girls, good girls, you girl, reading this, you look great in a dress, so you go girl, and get back to your house and put one on. Immediately. And you’ll look great.
I’m talking any dress. A sundress, a moondress, a stardress, a redress, a hopper, skipper, or jumper, a little black dress, a big green dress, a dress to impress, a cocktail dress, a princess dress, a frumpy dress, undress, two dresses, a dress for success, an empire cut dress, a poverty-stricken dress, a prom dress, a mom dress, a Vietnam dress, a tent dress, a sheath dress, a shift dress, an Italian or Ranch dress, an evening dress, a mourning dress, a hoodie dress, a Kitty Foyle dress worn by Ginger Rodgers in her academy award winning movie of the same name, but I digress, any dress. Just wear one.
From what I hear they’re very comfortable too. Especially the no waist-band. I love that. Plus the weather is just about just right. Flowers are blooming, the sun is fuming, love is looming, Spring is in the air and should be in your step. So get in a dress and strut your stuff.
And I’m not being misogynistic. Obviously, all women should have the option of wearing whatever they want. In no way is wearing a dress mandatory. Honestly, wear whatever the hell you want. Who is any man to tell you what to wear? But just don’t ask us then. You know our answer.
Speaking of Answers, This Week’s Trivia
They Married Their Cousin
1) Guess who married their cousin! Edgar Allen Poe did. He married his first cousin Virginia Clemm when he was 27 and she was 13. Creepy. But not as creepy as, well, Edgar Allen Poe. So creepy was Poe that the city he died in has taken more credit for Poe then the city he was born in. Poe was born in Boston in 1809, but in what city did Poe die in 1849, and subsequently inspired the name of one of their major sports teams?
2) I’ll tell you this, a lot of former presidents have married their cousins. This includes John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Martin Van Buren, and Franklin D. Roosevelt. 4 out of 44. That’s a lot of cousin-fuckers running our country. For two points, give us the first names of 2 of the cousin-wives of those four presidents.
3) Speaking of being political and marrying your cousin, how about Rudy Giuliani. Yes, that’s right, Rudy Giuliani. He married his second cousin once removed Regina Peruggi in 1968 and they stayed married for the next 14 years. Gross. Rudy and Regina got a divorce, he became Mayor of New York, 9/11, embarrassing presidential run, and now, holy shit, he might be governor. Thanks Patterson. But, before I get ahead of myself, let’s reverse back. Please name the mayor of New York who preceded Rudy Giuliani.
4) This strikes me as a little odd, but Origin of Species writer and founder of the theory of natural selection Charles Darwin was a cousin-fucker. He married and had 10 children with his first cousin Emma Wedgwood. I’m not alone in seeing a little bit of irony in Darwin being an in-breeder, as he often wrote about his fears and concerns about his and his wife’s close familial relation and the effect it may have on his kids. His fears were unfound though and his children for the most part went on to have distinguished lives of their own. Though, not quite as distinguished as their father who, upon his death in 1882, received the honor of a state funeral in England, one of only 5 non-royals to merit this honor in the nineteenth century. That means that to this day you can visit the gravesite of Charles Darwin at what British landmark?
5) There was no bigger scandal in the history of Rock and Roll then when it was revealed that a then 23 year old Jerry Lee Lewis had married his 13 year old first cousin once removed Myra Gale Brown. This event cast a scandal over the remainder of Lewis’s career and he never quite regained his place in the spotlight. Everyone knows Jerry’s biggest hit, “Great Balls of Fire”, but this is not the song that the National Recording Registry selected for permanent preservation. No, that was this other Lewis mega-hit, his rendition of what rollicking tune?
6) And, we’ll end this off with yet another literary cousin-lover. The father of science fiction, HG Wells, married his cousin Isabel and later left her for one of his students. Wells is the author of The Invisible Man, The Time Machine, the Island of Dr. Moreau, and of course, War of the Worlds. Name the Western British town in which the Martians first land on earth in Wells masterpiece, and where Wells lived with his cousin-bride while writing the book. This town now sports a huge martian statue commemorating it’s fictional destruction.
Answers
Baltimore
Abigail, Martha, Hannah, Eleanor
David Dinkins
Westminster Abbey
Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On
Woking
