On Hamburgers

Editors Note: I understand that the Internet is a content driven medium, and that people want new stuff to read and they want it fast. I do too. Unfortunately to maintain some quality I actually have to think of these posts, and that can be problematic. So, a compromise. I will do my part and do my damndest to reach my original goal for Geelastic and post once every two weeks. And you will have to do your part and read every new one of them and send them out to people you know who might enjoy that particular one. So we’re in this together. Deal?      

It all begins with a question: Is this bad for me? From the first time you ask that, you have officially gotten old. When you start wondering whether something is bad for you, before you do it, then you’ve begun thinking about the darkness at the end of the tunnel, and have decided that maybe you’d like to slow down a little before you drive real fast to get there. Even if you’d still make a good-looking corpse.

          And it doesn’t even have to be that extreme of a decision. Should I jump out of this soaring plane, should I go to this sketchy place, should I swallow this shady pill? It can just come down to should I eat this tasty burger. A young man says yes, I should eat this burger. Because it will be delicious, it has onions and mushrooms and cheese on it, and I am hungry. But an old man says. Hmmm…should I eat this burger? Or will it be bad for me later? When I’m sitting on the toilet wishing my asshole wasn’t on fire and the toilet paper I was wiping with didn’t soak through onto my hand. See the difference.

          This is the curse of age. A conscience. What will this decision mean for me later? Not right now, but down the line. They say that recognizing good from bad is the first sign of maturity, but actually choosing good over bad on a consistent basis doesn’t come until much later. When you’re getting older and growing a pussy.

          Should I eat this burger? Yes, of course I should. I love burgers and this burger looks particularly lovely. I am going to eat this burger, says the young man. But, if I eat this burger, then I’ll probably want to eat another burger. And after that another burger. And then all of a sudden I’ll have a belly full of burgers and I’m one of those people who have to have their mouths open to breathe and can be heard from across the room and that it sucks to be stuck on an elevator or in any enclosed location with. The old man is forced to think.

          And you’re goddamn right it sucks not being able to eat that burger. Or to have to think about every burger we eat. If I eat this burger, what will she say? If I take this burger down how will I feel in the morning? If I trip my balls off on this burger, how will I feel when I get back to work on Monday? If I fuck this burger, how much will it fuck up my life? You can’t just consume burgers at will anymore. No, now you’re an adult.

          Now every burger has a repercussion. Now every burger matters. Now every burger needs to be carefully considered, well-cooked, perfectly prepared grade-A certified worththewhile or else it just ain’t worththehassle. You can’t just eat that burger from the street stand anymore. Or that burger being sold by that dirty hippie in overalls with a dog in the parking lot before a concert. Or that debatable oversized quarter pounder that you’d used to eat cause you were drunk and it’s still a burger so why the hell not. You’re days of care-free burger binges are gone, my friend.

          And that’s just the way it goes. Every adult male has to come to terms with that fact. That at some point we just can’t eat every burger we want. It’s a sad day for sure. That first time you pass up a tender, juicy, meaty piece of meat topped with all your favorites, just the way you like it, because you realize you’ve got leftovers at home. And you really love leftovers. There’s nothing worse than that first time you make the healthy choice.

          But, don’t get me wrong boys. I’m a still eat some burgers. And you a still gonna eat some burgers. And we all a still gonna eat some burgers. We got a lot of burgers ahead of us. Some of our best burgers to be sure. We will always be boys and we will always eat burgers. Even though we might not get to eat them as much as we want or as many as we want, we will still eat burgers. Even though we might not like the way we feel after eating one, we will still eat burgers. Even though we may not be able to bite off as much burger as we used to be able to chew, we will still eat burgers. And even though we ask us that question, and we know the answer is yes–it is bad for us–we will still always eat burgers. Because if there ever comes a time where every so often I can’t bite into a big, fat fucking burger when I want to, I say bury me. Belly down. And vagina up.

 

 

 

And…Trivia is back!!!! In honor of Labor Day I present you with the following round.

 

Pregnancy Movies

 

1) We’ll begin with no one’s favorite pregnancy film 2000′s Where The Heart Is. The film follows Novalee Nation, a pregnant 17-year-old from Tennessee, played by Natalie Portman who sets out for California with her boyfriend. However, when the boyfriend ditches her in Oklahoma she is forced to live in a chain store undetected, a chain-store that she will also give birth in. For 1 point, in what store does Novalee give birth in the film? 

 

2) Who could forget last years just slightly better than average female buddy comedy Baby Mama? The movie starred venerable SNL castmates Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. The film actually marked Tina Fey’s second foray into movie acting, and was the first film in which she had a major part. What was the first film Tina Fey appeared in, a movie she also wrote?

 

3) 2007 was of course the year for the pregnancy comedy as Juno was accompanied on many critical top 10 lists by Judd Apatow’s Knocked Up. Knocked Up, somewhat surprisingly, beat out Juno however for the much coveted 2007 Teen Choice Award for best comedy. It also garnered one more award, “Best Hissy Fit” for this TV personality who cameos in the film? Name them.

 

4) And now for that other 2007 pregnancy comedy, Juno. If you didn’t see that film, you obviously lived under a rock, and if you didn’t know who wrote it, you obviously lived other two. Because everyone who didn’t live under a rock had to hear the story about former stripper now screenplay writer Diablo Cody, who wrote Juno. For 2 points, due out this fall, and also featuring a female lead character, what will be the second film written by Ms. Cody.

 

5) And now for a movie so beloved no one even took the time to create a Wikipedia page for it, we’re talking about 1995′s Hugh Grant commitment-phobe comedy, Nine Months. In the film the always-charming Grant is shaken to his very core by the news that his girlfriend of 5 years is pregnant with his child. Name the 4-time Academy Award nominated actress who was still apparently taking any job she could get when she appeared in Nine Months.

 

 6) And now for the greatest movie about pregnancy of all time. Seriously, if you haven’t seen this one, go to your local Video Video and check out Rosemary’s Baby immediately. It will not disappoint. The film came out in 1968 and is based on a book of the same title that came out in 1967. So, you know that’s got to be a pretty good book as well. For a solid two points, name the author of Rosemary’s Baby.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answers:

1) Wal-Mart

2) Mean Girls

3) Ryan Seacrest

4) Jennifer’s Body

5) Julianne Moore

6) Ira Levin