I know, I know. It’s been a while since I last updated everyone’s favorite, scantily-read website Geelastic. And a lot has changed in that time. Not just format-wise, but in the world. So, let’s go through some of the big stories I missed, and figure out what I think about them. I know there is a lot of rumor and speculation and innuendo out there about Elena Kagan, Obama’s recent nominee for the Supreme Court, so I just want to clear a few things up. Yes, she is really ugly. Really, really monstrously ugly. She looks like Steve Martin and Martin Short had a kid that was uglier than them both. She looks like Ruth Ginsberg’s bader. She looks like the face of Justice after it was bitten off by a chimp. There is no point in her trying to hide it from the mainstream media. It’s clear as day. She might as well step out in to the light and admit, “I’m a gremlin.”
And, once she does stop hiding, then we can move forward and determine whether she would be able to be a competent and unbiased judge. And then we can ask the million-dollar question: Will her ugliness affect her ability to make the decision on whether other hideous people in this country are allowed to marry?
There’s a giant oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico! Here’s what I don’t understand. Instead of trying to cap the well with a giant thimble, why don’t we just try to cap it with a new pump? Obviously there’s a lot of oil in that well–I’d hate to see it go to waste. It’s like if the tap falls off a keg and there’s foam shooting everywhere. I wouldn’t put a bowl on top of it. I’d re-tap it, because there’s still plenty of good beer in there. Shwill, baby, shwill!
Some guy tried to blow up Times Square and fucked up so bad it became funny. Which has to make you ponder the thin line between a punch-line and a tragedy. If his manure-filled Pathfinder had exploded, and, I don’t know, let’s say killed 3 people and injured 15, well holy-shit, it was a terrorist attack. But instead some guy selling five-dollar pashminas noticed a smoking car, and now the whole thing is monologue-fodder for a Jay Leno joke. I, of course, prefer the joke to the jolt. Just interesting how closely related they are.
Arizona made it illegal to be an illegal immigrant! This gave the left a chance to invoke Nazi Germany. This was a welcome respite from the right invoking Nazi Germany. And leads me to ask, when can we put a moratorium on invoking Nazi Germany? Let’s evaluate this phenomenon. When we are looking for an extreme, provocative, outrageous thing to say, unfortunately the best tool in our collective history and lexicon is Nazi Germany. So we throw it out there, willy-nilly.
Obama, mandating health care and favoring big government, is like Hitler and is making America into Nazi Germany. Arizona, by legalizing racial-profiling and demanding immigrant-looking people carry papers is also like Nazi Germany. Now, which of those two, Arizona or Obama, systemically massacred 11 million people? Let’s maybe keep the Nazi Germany tile on our rack. Save it for a really big moment, when you can drop it on triple word score. You don’t want to dilute its value by playing it as your first word. Nazi Germany was kind of a big deal.
And then finally there have been a couple of notable murders lately. Chinese people keep stabbing kids, the Virginia Lacrosse murder, the Alabama professor who killed her colleagues (a little old-school, but serves a purpose for my next point). And that point is, why, for every murderer, is there a picture of them not smiling? Where do they find these pictures? And who doesn’t smile when someone is taking a picture? These aren’t their mugshots I’m talking about either. These are just pictures from the past, when clearly they knew they were being snapped. Forget tapping phones to prevent future crimes, just start flipping through yearbooks. The Feds should just monitor Facebook. Which, coincidentally, they are now able to.
And there we go. I think we’re all caught up. I apologize for not having written in a while, but, fuck it, I’ve been busy. And a little blocked up. But now that I got that one out, I see a free flow of ideas making its way on to Geelastic. It’s like when you’re constipated, and then you are able to squeeze out a little nugget, and that opens up the floodgates. This piece was my little poop cork. What follows will be a steady stream of soft feces. So, make sure and check back soon.
