From front page of the BP website: www.bp.com
“Do you have any ideas to help us?:
+1 281 366 5511″
Um, multi-billion dollar oil company BP, hi, this is Gavin Shulman, bartender and waiter at Joe’s Potato Shack, where we have the finest spuds, murphys, and tubers served fried, mashed, totted, or any other way you want it any time of day you want it, and I actually do have a few ideas to help.
First off, if it’s a hole that’s your problem, instead of trying to plug it, why not just keep digging it? Dig that sucker all the way to China. Make it their problem. They got all sorts of technologies over there. They should be able to figure out what to do in no time.
But if you don’t want to do more digging, then why not just build it up? Why not lay enough piping so that the top of the gusher is actually above the surface of the water. Then, the oil can just shoot into the sky like a giant chocolate fountain. And when it showers back down towards the gulf, you can catch it in numerous buckets. And when those buckets fill up, you can quickly put a new bucket in its place. That’s what we do at the Potato Shack when our roof springs a leak.
Also, from a publics relation perspective, don’t forget that people love your product. It’s not like you’re poisoning their water with lead, which no one particularly cares for, you’re poisoning their water with oil, which everyone loves. Would people rather pollute the pool a little or miss their potluck? We use so much of your product at the Potato Shack and no one seems to mind when they get a little stain on their pants.
Oh. This brings me to another idea: why don’t you stop calling it crude oil? Can’t you come up with a more proper name for it than that? It’s really not helping anyone. You should call it car-juice. That’s so much better. It almost sounds like something you want to drink in the morning. I’d love a cup of car-juice. Especially on my morning commute.
And you guys have to go on the offensive. You have to get mad. You have to get furious. You have to take it to these oily birds. You have to ask the tough questions. Like, why aren’t they just flying away? They have wings for Christ’s sake. Why do they have to swim in the oil? It’s almost like they just want to make you look bad. Posing for those pictures. Screw those pelicans. More like pelicants if you ask me. Can’t even figure out that it’s not a good idea to take a swim in stinky brown water.
Oh, and this live-feed you have going. Showing the car-juice gushing out. It’s so boring. How about you jazz it up with a sweet sound-track? Black Water by the Doobie Brothers. Take Me To The River, the Talking Heads version. Anything by Built to Spill. Just something to make it more watchable. We’ve always got great music playing at Joe’s.
Are you still there? Good. Cause I got a few more ideas. You should get a celebrity on your side! You need one of the beautiful people to come out in support of BP. Right now they’re all against you. You can’t put out videos of some British guy, and expect the people to take notice or care. You have to get Toby Maguire or Salma Hayek. Oh, she’d be good. Because she’s Mexican. If you could get Salma to do a pro-BP ad, then people might be swayed.
And let’s call a plume a plume. Let’s stop beating around the marsh. If you’re going to go for this thing, go full throttle. If you’re going to go down as the biggest oil disaster of all-time, you might as well go down slinging. Don’t hold back. Any publicity is good publicity. Don’t pussy-foot around this thing. Chuck out some huge figures. Wow the people. Embrace that #1 spot. You’re damn right this isn’t just any oil spill. This isn’t just a drop in the bucket. This is the worst environmental disaster in the history of humanity. We are BP and we’re making history! Exxon Valdez? Who’s that? A pitcher for the Padres?
Ohhh, ohh, oh, and also, you should definitely not let this thing end too quickly. Drag it out as long as you can so you can keep the free advertising stream flowing.
Make sure there are absolutely no other distractions, so that everyone can focus on this and only this. Like, right when people might seem on the verge of forgetting, muck it up again, and make it even worse. You do not want to drop from the public eye. That’s why we got the biggest potato statue in the world out front of the shack. One time someone built a bigger potato statue, but then we built a bigger one. You got to be the biggest, if you want to be the best.
And one last thing. If someone at the shack doesn’t like their spuds, if their overcooked or something, or they just didn’t care for our three-cheese blend sauce (I know, I don’t get it either, but it happens!), what we do is just give them a coupon for a free potato, any style, the next time they come in. I know you guys are having money issues, so I recommend doing something similar. Instead of paying everyone off in cash, maybe just send them a can of car-juice. That’s probably what they’d spend the money on anyway, and I’m sure they’d appreciate the gesture. Who wouldn’t love some oil on the cheap?
Anyway, I hope I was any help. I wish I had more ideas, but it really is quite a pickle you guys got yourself into. I’ll make sure and call back if I think of anything else, but if you want to reach me just call the shack any night after five and just tell them that it is BP calling and ask for Gavin. I might be busy at the fryer, but I’ll try and make time. This is a major crisis after all.
