SCOTT PELLEY:
And now for “A Few Minutes with Andy
Rooney.”
ANDY ROONEY
I’ve looked in the mirror maybe a million
times in my life-time and all I’ve ever
learned is that I’m getting older.
My hair used to be pepper, now it’s salt.
Not that I’m sour about it. I feel it
looks distinguished.
The thing about getting older is they say
you get wiser but they were probably
pretty old and senile when they said that.
Do you think that a tuna fish, swimming
around in the sea, has any idea how
delicious he tastes crushed up with
mayonnaise, and covered with a slice of
cheese on some toasted bread?
When I do die, and I’ve accepted that that
probably will happen, I just hope I die on
a day that no one else famous dies on as
well. I don’t want to get second-billing.
I also hope I don’t die on a day that a
bunch of other people die on as well, in a
disaster or an attack or a tragedy of some
sort. You know that will get all the
headlines.
When I go, I want to be the only thing
that went that day.
Does a chicken have any clue how fantastic
its baby fetuses are fried on a flat
griddle and served with a side of bacon
and home-fries?
I’m not so much afraid to die as I’m
afraid not to be alive.
Some people choose to be buried. Some
people choose to be cremated. I’m thinking
about going half and half.
I remember how I used to hate going to the
cemetery with my parents to visit deceased
relatives I barely knew. I always had
something better to do. I wonder about
the kids that will be dragged to my
grave. What will they be missing out on?
I feel like every murder now is a murder
suicide. That seems pretty cowardly to me.
Back in my day if your murdered someone
you at least faced the music.
I hate when I use my credit card to pump
gas or go to an ATM and the machine asks
me if I want a receipt. I just spent too
much money, I don’t need a souvenir.
It’s a funny little thing, this thing they
call life. I’m just glad I never took
it that seriously.
