Two things I love in this world: football and fiery rhetoric. Watching people hit each other, and watching them yell back and forth. Pigskin and politics. Which is why I can’t believe that anyone hasn’t come up with this yet: Fantasy Politics. Now there’s a billion dollar industry.
Think. If you’re someone who watches football, and plays fantasy football, you know how fantastic fantasy football is. There’s nothing better. So, if you watch politics, why wouldn’t you want a team? Pick a few favorites and see how it plays out. Get a little invested. Put some money on it. Make it actually matter. At the very least it gives you something to do every week.
Here’s how it works. Each participant picks 7 politicians. 2 in a race for national office, 2 in a state race, 2 in a foreign country, and 1 floater. 3 bench players. Standard snake draft. First pick awarded randomly. Points for ± percentage points you gain or lose in Gallup polls that week.
Keep in mind, this is a sport. They don’t call it fantasy for nothing. You don’t just pick the politicians you like, you pick the ones you think are gonna win, and win big. It doesn’t matter whether you agree with them, it just matters that a lot of people do. Fantasy politics is a game of predictions.
You rank the strongest versus weakest politician on your roster and then match them against the other teams’ similarly ranked candidates, regardless of race. It doesn’t matter if they’re running against each other, and in fact, that would probably be a poor play. You’re just playing the points.
Think about how popular this will be. Everyone over and under the age of 18 is eligible to play. And most minorities. If they have access to computers. Old women. Wyomans. Idiots. Fun for every size and shape. We’ll call the game De-Mockracy.
And just think what this will do for the media. There will be so many different segments to produce. Fantasy politics with Frank Caliendo. Get this; he’s a different politician each time! Fantasy minute with Mike Wallace. I can tell he’d dig it. And he’s so fast. And now to the fantasy room with Rob Folgerman. I just made him up, but somebody’s going to have to fill all these new positions.
What I can’t wait for is when two fantasy political pundits sit side by side in a split screen and debate what real politician is going to do better each week. Did you see that gaffe from Boozman down in Arkansas? No way he’s staying that much in front. Yeah, well keep an eye on Mubarak over in Egypt. He’s been using a lot of blunt force lately. And don’t forget about Terry Branstad, gubernatorial candidate in Iowa, he’s really been holding Chip Culver at bay.
There’s so much information available to follow along with too. Which is half the fun. Scandals to stay abreast of. Debate highlight reels to dissect. 30-second fuzzy camera clips to watch. There’s almost too much information. You should never be caught off guard by the dumb stuff one of your politicians does. If we’ve got this 24-hour news cycle, why not use it? In a competitive way. That stakes one team against another. It will make watching the news so much more interesting. Even for girls.
The best part of fantasy is being engaged. With people you normally would never care about. Across city or team boundaries. It gives you a reason to watch every race. To root for politicians of positions you don’t agree with at all. If you’re a mosque-building liberal looking on the waiver wire and all that’s available is a gun-toting Republican who just got an endorsement from Sara Palin, well you might have to pick them up. If you want to win.
Which is why I recommend being in a league with a bunch of different view-points. The more parties and passions represented the better. Like if you’ve got a lesbian cousin and a conservative uncle, bring them both in. Just imagine the smack-talk. The bigger the league tent the better the match-ups.
Like it or not politics has become sport in this country. It’s the language we use to describe it, it’s the way it’s covered, it’s the reason were so passionate about it. It’s why we get all pepped up and go to rallies. Politics, at its core, isn’t about wrong or right; it’s about winning or losing. So why shouldn’t we be able to play along? I’m sick of sitting on the sidelines. I want in on the game.
But I don’t really want to shake any babies or kiss any hands. I just want to sit in front of my computer and follow along. Feel like I’m a part of it, from the comfort of my own house. I want to get indignant when a distant district doesn’t vote the way daily prognosticators thought they would. I want to get impassioned when a pundit blasts a candidate I disagree with but need a big week from. I want to get enraged when a rival releases a dishonest but effective ad against a woman I was sure could attract independents. I want to feel like I matter. Me and my one fantasy team.
And the best thing about fantasy politics? The season never really ends. Unlike the Super Bowl, Election Night is just the beginning. (Though in fantasy politics, Election Night does count. Top two teams, double the points.) Right after the results are in, all sides can ratchet it up for another cycle. And you can choose a whole new team. Try to predict which way the pendulum will swing.
In an age where politics is a form of entertainment, why not try to milk all the enjoyment we can out of it? Fantasy politics is a wave to the future. A way to show the following generations that we cared. Enough to elect a team and go head to head with our college friends, co-workers, and family members in a weekly battle of fluctuating percentage points. It’s a way to finally and truly become part of the political process.
I call the team name: Steve Guttenberg in The Big Alvin Greene.
