Recently my fiancée encouraged me to make the switch from my beloved whole milk to the watered-down white water known as 2% milk. You see, I love milk. I love it with cookies, I love it with cereal, I love it with chocolate sauce, I love it in a cup, I love it in a bowl, I love it on a maid, I love it with magnesia, I loved the movie, I love its galaxy. The only time I don’t love it is with meat, but that’s another matter. So, my fiancée asking me to sacrifice that 1.25% of milk-fat was quite a dramatic request. And you know what I did, I’ve bought that blue-capped cow-sweat ever since. Because isn’t that what relationships are all about, compromise?
I tell this story because I think it’s a fitting encapsulation of my upcoming nuptials. When I get married, in about 1 month, I will be willingly standing up and sacrificing 2% of my manhood. That’s right. That is the price a man must pay for love in his life—2% of his coolness. Which I think is more than fair. I clearly have plenty of awesomeness to spare, I think I can overcome a slight reduction. In fact, it might be good for me. And my gut. And if history has taught us anything, it’s that most men agree.
2% of our coolness is what we must part with until our death. Let’s break-down the math that this entails. Let’s say that the most awesome man parties all the time. That would be a pretty cool dude, right? A guy who partied 24/7 365 days a year. Or 8,670 hours straight of partying. Now take that, and multiply it by 2%. Meaning you would be giving up 175 hours and 20 minutes of partying. Or 7.3 days. So, if the most awesome man ever got married, he would have to take off 1 week from the year and put in some real quality time with the missus. That seems about right. And probably a fair trade.
As for the sex sacrifice? Very similar. Let’s say the most awesome guy tries to get laid every night. If he succeed 2% of the time, that would mean he would have sex 7.3 times a year. (A recurring number that numerous more numerologists who I won’t begin to enumerate should ponder.) Now this is an interesting statistic, because on the one hand only 7.3 wet dees seems like a pretty dry year, but 7.3 different women is a little over half a calendar. This is where the most fundamental question for every man emerges. Would you rather have sex 182 times a year (based on an average of 3.5 spousal intercourses per week) with 1 woman, or 7.3 times with 7.3 women? I know my answer. I do.
There’s no way to deny that a married man is 2% douchier than a single dude. He has to go home earlier, he has to go Home Depot, he has to help clean his home, he calls his house a home, he’s a bit of a homo. Okay honey, you’re right honey, right away honey, here’s that organic honey you like from the farmer’s market honey. This is why I will never understand the argument against same-sex marriage. Because aren’t all marriages, by nature, a little gay? There is nothing macho about getting married.
But 2% is really a small price to pay. So what if 1 out of 50 people you meet you’re never allowed to hang out with again because your wife won’t let you? That leaves you 49 other jerks whose company you don’t really enjoy either. Who cares if for every 3 hours you’re watching a football game you have to devote 3 minutes and 10 seconds to your spouse. That’s just one call at half-time, some stupid errand during the second quarter, or a set of downs missed for that same argument as always. Does it really matter if 2% of your daily conversation is now devoted to talking about your cat? Not when she always does such cute things. Trust me men, 2% of our lives are definitely valueless. That’s why we die a little younger.
And you know what, here’s the true truth that no man will ever admit. If we’re willing to give up that 2% of radness for a relationship, our lives get 98% better. That’s why we all make the sacrifice eventually. That’s why we all give up one vein of our two balls. That’s definitely why I am. Because we are a better person than we would be without that someone else. Even if we do have 2% of a vagina. It sure beats just growing fatter.
