According to a recent Rasmussen poll, 51% of respondents believe that the United States’ best days are behind us. Jesus, talk about the country being half empty. Since when were we such a nation of pessimists? I mean I’m as cynical as they come, I see the world through noose-colored glasses, but I’m not ready to guarantee that we’re on a long march to the gallows. What has happened to the psychology of this nation, and why are we so manically depressed?
Wasn’t it just under 3 full years ago that we were all so full of hope? And now, nope. None of that. We have given up. It’s over. Finito. This country’s going to hell in Hyundai hand-basket. And, why? The economy stupid idiot. You moron. Everyone knows this country is an awful place to be because the economic recovery has been slightly slower than was hoped for by many economists according to some economical data. In other words, this place is a real first-world shit-hole. And there’s no saving it.
That’s what the people are whispering in line at Whole Foods. A huge supermarket full of whole entire foods. Every vegetable you can ever want, and more that you never would, every fruit you’ve ever heard of, and some that you never will, every spice that you could ever add, and some that you never should, every organic cereal you could ever hope for, all as bland as a cardboard cutting board. And you should hear what they are saying in the countless other gigantic and more affordable super-markets super-packed with super-foods. This country is an awful place to be.
That’s what the people are whining about in lines at waterparks. Huge parks based around wasting water. Slides as tall as sky-scrapers with water pumped to the top of them, then dumped down, with jets of water shooting out of the sides, all leading to a pool at a safe depth to receive the flying body of a fat teenager who just flew off an inner-tube, so he can swim safely to the water-covered steps and then go to the lazy river, a man-made river that flows at a man-made pace, until he’s rested up enough to go to the wave-pool, a giant pool that makes waves without using the moon. Man, this country is a disaster.
That’s what the people are whimpering about in drive-thru lines at Wendy’s. One of 67 international fast-food chains started in America with a Wikipedia page and multiple locations where you can get a triple-hamburger, that’s three hamburgers in one, at any time of night without ever shutting down your car, or getting out, or doing anything, and a side of fries, and a milk-shake, and a stuffed baked potato with broccoli, cheddar, and bacon bits. What has this country come to?
Is what they’re wondering in aisle three of Wal-Mart. Where you can purchase a cactus and a car tire, an ice tray and an ice skate, just one, a dog leash and a sack of soil, dirt cheap, and literally anything else you can ever want in a size bigger than you can ever dream for a price that can’t be beat in a store the size of a city borough that shares a strip mall with a place to get all the same things in a different variety should you not like the color of dog leash that Wal-Mart was offering. God, I wish we could just go back to a golden age.
I just feel so bad for this poor country, and its poor inhabitants. And to think, they could live in Libya, or Latvia, or Lithuania, or all these other wonderful places, and they’re stuck living in this country where our GDP is only growing at 1%. We could be the millions of people living in abject poverty, but we’re forced to reside in this godforsaken nation where our obesity epidemic is contributing to our rising health care costs. It’s completely unfair that there are all these places that have no problems at all, yet we’re trapped in this problematic place where our politicians are mean to each other about the debt limit for all of eternity. It so sucks to be an American right now.
No wonder were all so depressed. We’ve got it bad. We’re like caged animals trapped in the richest and most powerful nation in the known world. And we have no choice but to consume away the pain. To stuff our faces just to shut out the reality of our awful existence. To shovel sustenance down our throats to avoid speaking of the horrors that we witness everyday on our big screen televisions. To pad our stomachs while we tighten our belts. It’s truly a terrible time to be an American, and with our best days behind us, there’s nothing left to do but get in line to start complaining.
